1. “I know exactly how you feel.”
While this phrase may seem empathetic, it diminishes the unique nature of grief. Everyone processes loss differently, and assuming your experience mirrors theirs can feel dismissive.
Instead, say:
“I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you, but I’m here to listen.”
2. “They’re in a better place.”
This common expression, often meant to comfort, can come across as minimizing their grief. The bereaved may not find solace in the thought of a “better place” if their pain stems from the absence of their loved one.
Instead, say:
“I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m here for you in any way you need.”
3. “At least they lived a long life.”
Focusing on the deceased’s age can invalidate the mourner’s feelings of loss. Grief is not lessened by the age of the person who passed.
Instead, say:
“They must have had such an impact on your life; I’d love to hear more about them.”
4. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase can feel dismissive or offensive. While it may reflect your personal beliefs, it assumes the bereaved person is ready to accept their loss as part of a larger plan.
Instead, say:
“I’m so sorry this happened. I’m here for you.”
5. “You should be over it by now.”
Grief has no timeline, and healing is a deeply personal journey. Telling someone they should be “over it” adds pressure and invalidates their emotions.
Instead, say:
“Take all the time you need; I’m here for you whenever you want to talk.”
6. “At least you still have [another loved one].”
Comparing losses or pointing out what someone still has is not helpful. Each relationship is unique, and no one can replace another.
Instead, say:
“I know how much they meant to you, and I’m so sorry for your loss.”
7. “It’s time to move on.”
Grief is not something people simply “move on” from; it becomes a part of their life. Suggesting otherwise can feel invalidating.
Instead, say:
“I’m here for you as you navigate this.”
8. “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
While this sentiment might seem comforting, it can make the bereaved feel guilty for their grief. Mourning is a natural and necessary process.
Instead, say:
“It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now. I’m here for you.”
9. “You’ll find someone else.”
If the loss involves a romantic partner, suggesting they’ll meet someone new trivializes their loss and the depth of their relationship.
Instead, say:
“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
10. “At least you have your health/job/kids.”
Focusing on positives can come across as dismissive of their grief. While they may still have other important aspects of life, this comment suggests their loss isn’t as significant.
Instead, say:
“I’m here to support you however you need.”
11. “Let me know if you need anything.”
This well-meaning phrase puts the burden on the grieving person to reach out for help, which can feel overwhelming.
Instead, say:
“Can I bring you a meal this week?” or “Would you like me to help with errands or chores?”
How to Offer Support Instead
Grieving individuals often need someone to be present, listen, and offer comfort without judgment or unsolicited advice. Here are some tips on what to say and do:
- Acknowledge their pain:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.” - Ask about their loved one:
“What was your favorite memory of them?” - Offer specific help:
“I’ll be stopping by with groceries tomorrow—what do you need?” - Be patient:
Grief is unpredictable, and your continued support over time means a lot.
Conclusion
When comforting someone who is bereaved, focus on their feelings rather than trying to find the “right” thing to say. Simple, heartfelt expressions of sympathy and a willingness to listen are often the most meaningful gestures. Avoiding harmful phrases and being present can make a significant difference to someone navigating the difficult journey of grief.
