‘I got married a year ago. It was the wedding I had always dreamed of. The man of my dreams. Tall, light-skinned, rich. I was the envy of all the ladies in my church. A year later, I feel empty in my marriage. It feels like I don’t know who my husband is anymore.’
‘My wife and I seemed like 5 and 6 during the first few years of our marriage, but today, I can barely stand her. We seem like roommates who have nothing in common.’
The above hypothetical examples are sentiments so many couples share. After a few months or years of marriage, it seems like they had made a wrong decision. Why does this happen?
WHY IT HAPPENS
Reality sets In
The daily routine of working, raising children, and dealing with in-laws can chip away at marital bliss. Additionally, unexpected problems—perhaps a financial setback or caring for a family member who suffers from a chronic illness—can strain a marriage. These are inevitable realities of life that you cannot avoid. Life is not La La Land or Cookoo Land. When these happen, the once-sweet relationship can slowly grow sour.
Differences Seem Irreconcilable
While dating, couples tend to overlook differences. Once married, though, a man and woman discover just how unalike they are in such areas as communication styles, money management, and problem-solving. Differences that once were merely an annoyance may now seem intolerable.
You Have Become Emotionally Distant
Over time, a buildup of unkind words or actions and a backlog of unresolved conflicts can cause a husband or wife to withdraw into an emotional shell or, worse yet, begin to form an emotional attachment with someone else.
Your Expectations Were Unrealistic
Some people walk into marriage believing that they have found the one person they were meant to be with. While that notion may seem romantic, it can be a setup for disaster. As soon as problems arise, the myth of the perfect match is shattered, leaving both spouses with the feeling that they made a mistake.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Focus on Your Spouse’s Good Qualities
When we focus on what we don’t like and concentrate on all that is wrong with our spouse, we miss out on the blessing that they truly are. If you are married – keep your focus on your spouse’s strengths; pay attention to what they are doing right. Always be aware of what makes your spouse so unique and special. Like you, they’ll make mistakes, but it’s everything that is good about them that will fill your heart with hope for a better and brighter tomorrow. It’s not about ignoring their faults and weaknesses – it’s about paying more attention to their strengths.
Plan Special Time Together
Special time will leave moments that hold much value spent in the company of the important people in our lives. There are many ways you can spend quality time with your significant other. Usually, quality time is associated with long periods of resting or travelling, like going on a holiday together. However, there is no rule that states that it’s the only way to spend quality time. It’s possible to have high-quality moments with your loved one without going anywhere extravagant and fancy. A couple that doesn’t spend a lot of meaningful time together may forget whether they love one another.
Discuss your Feelings
Everyone has moments when they just can’t come up with the right word to describe what they’re feeling or trying to say. Try to explain that you have something to say and make time to have a conversation. If you want your partner to do something differently, be clear about what you’re asking. There are plenty of times you might feel confused about your relationship. Your partner might do something that you don’t know how to interpret or make a comment that isn’t clear. Rather than allow this confusion to build or lead to erroneous conclusions, let your partner know that you aren’t sure what they mean and ask for clarification.
Discern the Difference Between Your Feelings and Your Spouse’s Intentions
Likely neither one of you ever intends to hurt the other. Assure your spouse of this by sincerely apologizing for any hurt feelings you may have caused. Then discuss what specific things you both can do to avoid unwittingly causing hurt feelings.
Be Realistic in Your Expectations
Many people believe that their relationship will be like the fantasies seen in the movies. Reality is always a stark contrast from what is seen. This is why it is extremely important to not build your marriage on the world’s standards. The best thing is to have an open mind. Some may believe it’s best to not expect anything from your partner to avoid being let down. However, expectations may actually support you in cultivating healthy relationships. Some expectations may be harder to meet or understand than others. Communicating about these differences and being realistic about expectations that may be more difficult to meet can foster a healthy relationship.
