Why Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Always Work

With the rise of parenting videos on Social media, the phrase gentle parenting has become a buzzword. Nevertheless, beyond the hashtags and trending clips, what does it truly mean to raise a child this way?

At its core, gentle parenting is less about commands and more about choices. The goal is to reduce external pressure on a child and instead encourage decisions based on their own willingness. The style focuses heavily on empathy, understanding and respect, creating more of a partnership between parent and child rather than a top-down authority.

Parenting author Sarah Ockwell-Smith explains that respect is at the heart of gentle parenting. Respecting a child in the same way you would respect an adult. Instead of brushing aside their feelings with constant instructions or dismissive phrases, it encourages parents to pause and ask why a child is acting out, refusing meals, or resisting routines.

Still, many people confuse gentle parenting with a lack of discipline. Ockwell-Smith is quick to clarify that being gentle does not mean being permissive. Boundaries and rules remain an important part of the process, and in some cases, parents who adopt this style can even be stricter but in a consistent and respectful way.

Ultimately, gentle parenting aims to raise emotionally intelligent children who can manage their feelings and communicate effectively. But like every parenting style, it doesn’t always yield the same results in every home.

When Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Work

Research by Robert E. Larzelere reveals that while offering choices can be effective, toddlers who are defiant or aggressive may not always respond well to this method. In fact, too many alternatives can sometimes increase behavioural problems, while moderate and consistent consequences tend to bring better results.

Parenting coach Holly Zoccolan also points out that no two children are the same, and what works for one may not work for another. Gentle parenting requires immense patience and consistency, qualities that can be hard to sustain in stressful moments. Without clear boundaries, children may even feel unsettled rather than guided.

What to Do if Gentle Parenting Isn’t Working

Parenting expert Amanda Jenner suggests that when gentle parenting seems ineffective, it may help to:

1. Reflect on your own stress levels and well-being , a calm parent is better equipped to guide a child.

2. Revisit the principles of gentle parenting to ensure they’re being applied correctly.

3. Maintain consistency, as children respond best to predictable routines.

4. Reset boundaries where necessary , gentleness doesn’t mean saying yes to everything.

5. Communicate openly with your child, using age-appropriate conversations to set expectations.

6. Seek professional guidance if needed, whether from a parenting coach, therapist or counselor.

7. Adapt your approach to your child’s developmental stage.

8. Engage with supportive communities where parents share practical insights and experiences.

In the end, gentle parenting is less of a universal formula and more of a tool. For some families, it builds strong emotional bonds and smoother communication. For others, it requires adaptation or even blending with other parenting styles to find the right balance.

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