Not everyone was raised to speak up. For some, standing tall in their own voice feels like a foreign act, an awkward attempt at self-assertion in a world that often taught them to shrink. It’s easy to dismiss this as mere shyness, or personality, or perhaps a fear of conflict. But if you look more closely, you begin to see the shape of a story that began long before adulthood.
The ability to assert oneself to say, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” or “Here’s what I need”, isn’t something we all arrive at equally equipped for. Often, it has little to do with strength or confidence. And everything to do with how we were taught to exist in the world.
Our childhood experiences leave quiet fingerprints on our adult behaviour. And for many who struggle with self-assertion, those early imprints are not easy to ignore.
1. When Childhood Was a Cage of Good Intentions
Some children are raised not with freedom, but with fences, built carefully by parents who meant well. Overprotective or controlling guardians often believe they are shielding their children from the world’s harshness. But when a child is not allowed to make their own choices, when every step is supervised, every decision pre-made, the child learns only to follow, never to lead.
Later, this child becomes the adult who hesitates to speak, not because they lack opinions, but because they were never taught to trust them.
2. The Silence After Dismissal
A child says, “I’m sad,” and hears in response, “Don’t be so dramatic.” Another says, “I’m scared,” and is met with, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” These are small dismissals, but they gather weight over time.
When your emotions are routinely brushed aside, you begin to second-guess them. You learn not to cry, not to speak, not to expect understanding. And when that child grows up, they carry that silence into boardrooms, relationships, and moments where their voice should matter.It’s not that they don’t feel. It’s that they learned not to believe their feelings were valid.
3. The Long Shadow of Cruelty
Some children carry the memory of laughter that wasn’t kind, of peers who made their presence feel like a flaw. Bullying doesn’t always end with school. Its effects often live quietly into adulthood, altering how a person sees themselves. Someone who has been belittled enough times might begin to believe they deserve it.
So, they grow cautious, avoidant. They keep their needs tucked away in the hope that silence will offer protection. But silence, while safe, rarely offers liberation.
4. Neglected, Not Because They Were Unloved, But Because They Were Unseen
There are wounds that come not from what was done, but from what was never given.
Emotional neglect is not loud. It doesn’t scream or strike. It simply withholds. No one listens closely. No one asks, “How are you, really?” And so, the child learns to disappear.
They become experts in minimising themselves, asking for little, taking up less space, and hiding their needs like secrets.
And in adulthood, they find themselves unable to say what they want, because they were never taught they were allowed to want anything at all.
5. When Love Had Conditions
For some, affection came in rations. You were praised when you performed, hugged when you obeyed, loved when you excelled.
In such households, love wasn’t freely given, it had to be earned. This shapes a child into a people-pleaser, someone who believes that approval must be constantly sought, never simply given. Assertiveness feels risky to such a person. Because speaking up might mean stepping out of line. And stepping out of line might mean losing love.
6. Living Under the Weight of Perfection
Perfectionism often has its roots in childhood homes where excellence was the air one had to breathe. Here, mistakes weren’t seen as part of learning but as failures that brought shame. Children raised in such environments often internalise the idea that their worth is conditional on getting everything “right.”
So they grow up wary of judgment, of failure, of their own voice. Speaking up becomes too vulnerable. Better to be quiet than to risk being wrong.
7. When You Were Always Measured Against Someone Else
Few things bruise the spirit of a child like constant comparison.
When your accomplishments are always a step behind your sibling’s, or your voice always a little less valued, you begin to believe that being yourself is not enough.
So you withdraw. You edit yourself, shrink yourself, suppress yourself, hoping that if you say less, you’ll be judged less.
8. When No One Showed You How
Perhaps the most subtle barrier to assertiveness is never having seen what it looks like.
Some children grow up without role models who communicate with respect and clarity. They don’t witness healthy boundary-setting or the balance between kindness and firmness. They aren’t taught how to disagree without destroying connection. And so, they reach adulthood unsure of how to advocate for themselves, not out of weakness, but from lack of exposure.
None of these experiences define you. They explain you. And there is a quiet, radical power in that distinction.
Assertiveness isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill. A choice. A practice.You can learn to stand in your truth without aggression. You can say “no” with grace. You can speak even if your voice shakes.You are allowed to take up space, not because you’ve earned it, but because you exist.
So if you see yourself in any of these stories, take heart. Growth is not about erasing your past, it’s about rewriting what the future holds and maybe, just maybe, it begins with one brave sentence, “This is what I need.”
Also Read:Childhood Vaccination Schedule According to the WHO: Why You Should Stick to It
