Should you have a favourite child? Raising children is one of the most important responsibilities in life, and parents often strive to give their best to each child. However, some parents, whether intentionally or not, may develop a preference for one child over another. While it’s natural to feel more connected to a child who shares your interests or personality, openly showing favoritism can have serious negative effects on all your children and your family dynamics.
Here’s why having a favourite child is detrimental and why, even if you feel a natural preference, it should never be obvious.
The Emotional Damage to the Unfavoured Child
Children crave approval and love from their parents, and when they sense they are not the favoured one, it can deeply hurt their self-esteem. A child who feels less valued may start believing they are inadequate or unworthy of their parents’ love. Over time, this can lead to long-lasting emotional scars, including feelings of rejection, resentment, and even depression.
For example, if a child sees their sibling consistently receiving more praise, affection, or privileges, they may conclude that something is wrong with them. They could start comparing themselves to the favoured sibling, asking, “Why am I not good enough?” Such feelings can linger well into adulthood, leading to emotional insecurity, self-doubt, and difficulties forming healthy relationships.
The Pressure on the Favoured Child
While it might seem that being the favoured child comes with benefits, it can also have its drawbacks. A child who knows they are the favourite might feel immense pressure to live up to their parents’ high expectations. They may feel responsible for maintaining their “special” status, leading to stress and anxiety.
Moreover, the favoured child may feel isolated from their siblings, knowing that the others are envious or resentful of their position. This can result in strained sibling relationships, where the favoured child struggles to bond with their brothers or sisters, leading to division within the family.
Creating Sibling Rivalry
Favoritism doesn’t just affect individual children—it can create an atmosphere of competition among siblings. When one child is consistently favoured, the others may try to outdo each other for parental approval. This rivalry can cause children to become competitive rather than supportive, leading to frequent arguments and tension.
Over time, sibling rivalry can escalate into deep-seated resentment that affects their relationships not only in childhood but also later in life. Instead of being a source of love and support, siblings may grow up distant or even estranged because of unresolved bitterness caused by parental favoritism.
Unfair Treatment Becomes a Lifelong Issue
When parents have a clear favourite, it often extends beyond childhood. Favoured children may continue to receive preferential treatment well into adulthood, while the others are left feeling ignored or neglected. This could play out in various aspects of life, such as career advice, financial support, or inheritance decisions. For the unfavoured children, this reinforces the idea that they are less important in the eyes of their parents, which can fracture relationships long after the children have left home.
To prevent these issues, it’s essential to strive for fairness and equal treatment of all children, no matter how subtle or insignificant the differences may seem. Even small acts of favoritism, like giving more attention to one child’s achievements or being more lenient with one child’s mistakes, can have lasting consequences.
If You Do Have a Favourite, Don’t Let It Be Obvious
It’s important to acknowledge that feeling more connected to one child is a natural human tendency. However, the key is not to make this favoritism obvious. Children are incredibly perceptive, and they pick up on even the smallest differences in attention, affection, or discipline. If you feel more drawn to one child, take conscious steps to ensure all your children feel equally loved and valued.
Here are some ways to avoid showing favoritism:
- Spread your attention: Spend quality time with each child individually, focusing on their unique interests and talents. This ensures each child feels special and seen.
- Balance praise and discipline: Be mindful of giving equal praise for achievements and showing fairness when addressing mistakes. Avoid making comparisons between your children.
- Encourage teamwork: Promote activities that foster collaboration among siblings instead of competition. This can help strengthen their relationships and reduce rivalry.
- Be consistent with rules: Apply household rules consistently for all your children. If one child feels that rules are stricter for them and more relaxed for their sibling, it can breed resentment.
- Seek feedback: If you’re unsure whether you’re showing favoritism, ask your partner or a trusted family member to offer perspective. Sometimes an outside view can help you recognize unconscious patterns of behaviour.
Building Healthy Family Relationships
In the long run, not having a favourite child builds healthier relationships within the family. Each child feels valued for who they are, and siblings can bond in a supportive environment rather than competing for their parents’ approval. When all children are treated fairly and feel equally loved, they are more likely to grow into emotionally balanced adults with strong family connections.
In conclusion, while it’s natural to have a soft spot for one child, it’s crucial to avoid letting this bias shape your parenting. By treating all your children with fairness and love, you can create a harmonious family where each child thrives emotionally, and sibling relationships are strengthened, not divided. Even if you feel a stronger connection to one child, remember that your love should always be evenly spread.
