When a father picks up and leaves his family, he often leaves a storm of pain and bitterness. This usually affects his family very negatively, especially his children. It can cause a child to slam shut the door of affection towards him and nurture resentment. Such anger can lead the person to burn bridges, damaging their ties to a parent. So that you don’t get yourself absorbed in such feelings, here are some things to remember:
It’s Not Your Fault
Do not blame yourself for your parents’ marital problems. If you never find out all the reasons why he left, there is no need to feel that it was your fault. True, it may feel like a personal rejection. But marriages rarely break up because of the children. Still, if you feel confused, guilty, or responsible, why not try telling your parents? They just might open up and give you some needed reassurance.
Get Past the Anger
You may need to remind yourself that your father’s leaving was not your fault. Nor does it necessarily mean he no longer loves or cares about you. Granted, it can be painful when a father makes little effort to call or visit. When a parent repeatedly fails to show up for scheduled visits, or he contacts you only sporadically, it can indeed seem as if he doesn’t want to see you. But that may not be the case at all. Sometimes a parent knows that his conduct before the breakup has left the family deeply offended. Many absentee fathers lose touch with their children, not because they do not love them, but because they are overwhelmed with guilt and shame.
Lower your Expectations
You may have to lower your expectations a bit. Expecting more of your parent’s time and attention than you are getting right now is only going to frustrate and disappoint you. Do not compare your parent to others. Everyone is not the same. Try instead to enjoy the limited time you do have together. If you don’t, enjoy the time you have with your mother who is there for you. Some people have lost both parents. Show appreciation for what you currently have.
Take the Initiative
You might consider taking the initiative to make contact with your father. Yes, he is the one who left you and you might rightly feel that it is his responsibility to make the first move. But if he has failed to do so and the lack of contact with him is making you sad and unhappy, it might be worth your while to try to improve the situation yourself.
Cope with the Pain of Rejection
Sometimes a youth must face the painful fact that his or her father does not want to have a relationship with his children. If this is true of your father, perhaps one day he will realize how much he has lost in failing to maintain a relationship with you. In the meantime, though, be assured that his rejection of you does not mean you are worthless. Your mother may also be a source of support. True, she may be suffering emotional distress herself. But if you respectfully express your feelings, she will no doubt do her best to respond.
Don’t Listen to every Advice
Everyone will have something to say. They’ll give you advice as if they’ve been in your situation before. Take every piece of advice with a pinch of salt, even the advice you’re reading right now. Different strokes for different folks. Dissect everything you hear very carefully. You know your father better than we do.
Support your Family
Your father’s absence may impact your family in a number of ways. Your mother may have to work harder to make ends meet. You and your siblings may have to shoulder more household responsibilities. Try to work hard to support the family. Keep busy, and take your mind off your father’s absence. It may be difficult but try.
At the end of the day, a father leaving home is wild. It’s even wilder when he is there but willfully neglects you. But be strong. You’ll need that strength to weather the numerous storms this chaotic life will bring your way.
